Not In Your Head, In Your Heart
by Assirym
Summary: Belle comes in everyday, always for dinner and sometimes breakfast too, always sitting in the same place at the counter and almost never speaks… until she does. After 2x11.
1. Chapter 1

"Can I ask you something?" Belle asks me from her usual place at the counter.

She comes in everyday, always for dinner and sometimes breakfast too, always sitting in the same place at the counter and almost never speaks. It's hard to get her talking these days, not since she left the hospital a few months ago. I wonder what its like to be so quiet with a mind void of all your memories. Knowing you've lived an amount of years and not recalling anything from them. Although I can't let myself wonder to much, it hurts to think about how she doesn't know me. As adorable as Belle is, watching her taste iced tea for the first time a second time had been one of the hardest things I'd ever had to witness.

"Sure Belle, whats up?" I ask her lightly, keeping my usual upbeat demeanor when I'm around her.

I haven't tried to tell her who I am, who I am to her anyway. She knows my name and she's been coming here every day so I'm not a complete stranger to her anymore but I'm only the girl that works at the diner and that's hard to think about too.

Mary Margret doesn't understand why I don't just tell her, especially with Rumple trying to whisper in her ear at every chance he gets. Which is not often because David doesn't allow it, not since the last two times the ugly jerk was too persistent, frightening Belle. The girl is far from fragile but everyone has their limits. I just don't want her to remember me that way, I don't want her to think of our moments because I've told her we've shared them, I want her to know them. I wish for her to feel them, like I do.

"Are there a lot of wild animals around Storybrooke?"

The question throws me. I've learned not to get my hopes up that she'll ask about our past- about us, but I figured it would be a question about her memory. Belle has that look on her face that she gets when she is trying to piece something together. The look reserved for when she is in the middle of a plot twist in a gigantic fantasy novel or just before the climax of a good mystery when she's right at the brink of figuring it all out. Eyebrows scrunched together over beautiful blue eyes that seem far off in thought, bottom lip tucked neatly between her teeth, her fingertips tapping lightly against the counter top. Sometimes I can't look at her for to long without feeling like I need to excuse myself, slip away into a back room or the back ally for some air and I almost do that now but then I remember I'm supposed to be answering a question.

"Oh um…" I stumble for a moment, shaking my head a little to clear my thoughts. "I guess, like raccoon's and squirrels and things?" But she's shaking her head, releasing her lip and running her tongue over the small indent from her teeth.

"No, I mean something larger." Her words aren't really adding up and I'm tipping my head in confusion because why would Belle be asking this?

"You mean like… bears?" That's really all I can think of that might possibly be in the woods around Storybrooke though I've never seen one and if anyone knows anything about the woods around Storybrooke it's me.

"Wolves." Belle corrects with such conviction, the word dropping confidently from her lips and its at that moment that her eyes flicker to mine, focused and questioning. I'm not sure that I'm breathing.

My body has stiffened, eyes locked on hers, table rag hanging from my fingertips, my mind crashing through all the sudden possibilities. What is she really asking? What does she remember? Why else would she suddenly be asking me about wolves?

Belle must take my expression as disbelief, I imagine it looks a lot like that though probably bordering somewhere more on shock than anything else but she continues looking as if she needs to defend her statement.

"I've heard them, well one." Her face scrunches slightly, that same puzzled expression that tells me she is completely serious about this line of questioning. "I know it probably sounds a bit mad but I honestly do feel like its the same one." Her hands fall to her lap now, eyes casting bashfully down at them like she's nervous. "I hear it howling in the night."

I'm not sure why it takes me so long for this to strike me. For me to connect that she is specifically talking about me, even though I know I am the wolf, the only wolf but once it does I feel myself reflexively take in a long breath. "Why do you ask?"

My words are so low and cautious and I'm extremely surprised that she doesn't look up at me curiously, pinpointing the odd sound of guilt in my tone. Instead she keeps her head bowed, toying with her own fingers in her lap as she begins to speak.

"The wolf, they sound so… so…" Its like the words wont come to her or that she's unsure how to describe what she's thinking. I'm so enthralled in what she is saying that it once again shocks me when she finds my eyes with hers. Further shocking to find that they are swimming with tears, the sight alone makes my already racing heart clench tightly in my chest. I have to fight myself to not reach out to her, take her hands in mine. Not because I think she'd be affronted by the action but because I'm just not sure that I could handle it, touching her right now.

"They sound so sad." Belle finally finishes, the corners of her lips curving down into a slight frown but then she chuckles humorlessly. "I suppose I sound a little crazy." She shrugs, shaking her head in a certain defeat. "I suppose that's what happens when one's mind is mostly empty."

I'm having trouble keeping up, too concentrated on my breathing to think of anything more to say than. "You're not crazy." My voice stays miraculously solid, although low and a bit raspier than normal.

It seems to satisfy her enough and she gives me a small smile which I return immediately because when Belle smiles I smile, an automatic reaction that has been instilled in me for a long time.

"Honestly its rather odd because it only happens three nights out of the month, the oddest part that its always exactly three nights." And there is that puzzled look again. Belle is unbelievably smart, all the reading she's done and facts she used to have stored, even now when she doesn't remember any of that its still so obvious that she's brilliant. So much so that I already know what she is going to say before she says it, that she's already begun figuring it out. "It seems to have to do with the moon, I'm sure of it."

"I feel almost… connected with it, like they are calling to me." She blushes a little, looking away from me. "I can't believe I'm saying this but lately I find myself looking forward to hearing it, the howling. I wait for it before I fall asleep on the days of the moon, it comforts me… like its familiar" She chuckles nervously and bites her lip again, her eyebrows drawing back together.

I know that I'm smiling, its strange really because I'm also very close to breaking down into tears right here in the middle of the diner because Belle is talking about me. Not Ruby me but wolf me and she doesn't even know it. All that she is saying is so true and the reason behind it all is escaping her. It hurts more than her not knowing but then it also gives me hope, hope that she'll remember something, that she'll remember who that wolf is.

"Sounds like love." Comes a scruffy voice from down the other end of the counter. Leroy is sitting in his usual spot as well, just finishing off a burger, speaking to Belle but not really looking in our direction. His words make me falter and I grip the counter tightly to steady myself, to keep the high pitched wolf whine trapped in my chest, forcing myself to refocus on breathing.

Belle flushes, turning her head to look at him curiously although I don't miss the slight nod to her head and the expression that tells me she's thought of this already but that I'm sure is wishful thinking on my part.

"You know…" Leroy starts, turning to face her finally. "Someone told me once that love is hope, that it fuels our dreams." All of this sounds silly coming from Leroy of all people but Belle seems to be hanging on every word, listening carefully as he speaks. "That you need to be with the person you love to feel right." I'm completely confused at where he is getting all of this but I think that if I don't sit down soon my knee's might give out.

Belle takes in all his words, biting her lip as she thinks it over and then she is shaking her head, scoffing as she stands and tosses a few bills on the counter. "How can I be in love with a wolf?"

I can feel myself shattering, my insides twisting in such a painful way I think I might cry out. I'm completely aware that she doesn't understand, that she doesn't know but those are words that I have always feared I'd hear from her since the moment we met. I'm not looking at him but I can feel Leroy watching me from his place at the counter. I don't want to look at him, to see my pain reflected as pity in his eyes. If I do I wont be able to keep myself together.

"See you tomorrow Ruby?" Belle asks as she slings her bag over her shoulder, a heavy looking bag that I know is completely filled with books. She always says this, the promise of her presence the next day like she knows that I need it, that I need the reassurance.

Somehow I manage to nod, an "Of course." Slipping past my lips unbroken and she smiles at me. I immediately return the smile, its involuntary and it even sort of feels a little good. She gives me this look like she wants to ask me something, bottom lip tucking between her teeth, concern written in her eyes but she doesn't. Instead she smiles again and turns, walking out of the diner, the bell clanking against the top of the door.

As soon as she's gone, out the door, past the window and out of sight- I'm moving. Leroy calls my name once as I rush into the back, tossing the rag that had been crumpled up tightly in my fist and head for the back door.

Its wolf time so he must know where I'm headed, Granny will know too so I don't feel the need to stop and explain myself.

I thought the cool air hitting my lungs would make me feel better but somehow as soon as I pull it into my chest I begin choking. It isn't until I've reached the woods that I realize that I'm crying and as soon as my body transforms I am howling.

The howling happens every time, three times out of the month just like Belle had said but this time as I'm doing it, dashing through the woods as fast as my hind legs will propel me I know that I am heard and I take comfort in that. That my Belle hears me calling to her and although she may not yet remember me or my wolf she hears me and feels connected to that. Its small but its a step, a step in the right direction and it only makes the howling come that much louder.


	2. Chapter 2

_"You should come in."_ The words are odd and muffled in my mind and yet perfectly clear, I can almost feel my ears lifting and turning to listen._"It's much too cold to be out all night."_ Belle chuckles and I can almost imagine the slight shake of her head, the 'I'm being silly' look. _"I guess it isn't all that bad for you, with all that fur."_

"You're burning the pancakes." Granny says in a flat tone and my body jolts, startled out of my day dreaming.

Ducking my head I flip them quickly and look up at her, expecting some sort of lecture but it doesn't come. She just looks at me for a moment, nods her head once and then walks away. The woman has never been very good at managing her temper but in these last few months she's been a little different, I guess she's going easy on me. Not that I'm complaining, a break from the bickering is sort of refreshing but it hasn't only been Granny that's doing it. I keep getting these odd looks from everyone, even at the grocery store were Belle and I used to…

I let the memory trail off; I'm only setting myself up for a bad day if I dwell on the past. That fact is it's not like that anymore, Belle doesn't remember me so I need to move on from that and hope that there might be a future.

My thoughts are interrupted by the bell on the door clanking loudly, hurried footsteps across the tile.

"Leroy." Belle says a little out of breath. I don't need to be out there to know that it's her, I'd know that accent anywhere, I'd know that voice. "Leroy, I did it." She sounds so excited, a happiness in her voice I haven't heard since before everything. It's enough to get me moving, plating the pancakes and carrying them out to the front.

"You did what sister?" Leroy asks looking just as surprised as I feel over Belle's sudden enthusiasm. I mean I'm happy to see it, her like this. All lit up and joyful. It's just as infectious as her smiles and I find my lips are turning up as well now that she is in my line of vision. I'm feeling lighter than I have in a while just in the few short seconds of entering the room. It's not just that Belle doesn't have her memories of me or memories at all that gnaws at me it's the sadness I feel from her, every day when she comes in it's the same. She seems alright, or she does to everyone else but I know her. Even if this person she is now isn't exactly who she was before I can see it in her eyes, her longing, her loneliness. So to see this, it makes breathing easier than it has been when Belle and I are in the same room.

"I went to find the wolf."

And just like that everything crashes back down again.

I don't realize the loud noise of something breaking is outside of my mind until everyone in the room turns to look at me, I've dropped the pancakes. Granny might kill me for thinking this, but pancakes are the least of my worries right now. Maybe I misunderstood, maybe Belle didn't just say what I think she said, maybe this feeling that is taking over my body that's keeping me from breathing really isn't a heart attack.

"Are you alright?" Belle asks, taking a few steps toward me but I'm already snapping out of it, righting my composure and kneeling down to begin cleaning the mess.

"I'm fine." I mumble, unable to look up at her, unable to keep my hands from shaking as I pile the broken plate together.

I think I know, I know already, I felt it this morning when I woke in the woods. It was stupid of me not to ask myself any questions, to wonder why after waking and feeling miserable for months on end especially during wolf time that today I woke feeling lifted and, happy.

"Uh… am I missing something here?" Leroy asks slowly, his eyes darting quickly between the two of us and bless him for asking what I can't bring myself to say, what I need to know.

Belle doesn't move her eyes off of me for a moment, concern flaring clearly in them and even right now in my panic that makes my heart swell a little.

"The wolf." She states again more clearly, moving to sit beside Leroy at the counter. "I was just about to get to bed last night and I heard her howling and I just… well I'm not sure what I was thinking but I pulled my boots on and I…"

"Belle." I say automatically, dumping my mess into the trash and moving around the counter to face them. "Tell me you didn't?" I'm surprised with myself that I can even speak, I'm not sure exactly what a panic attack feels like but I think if I don't take in a deep breath soon I'm going to pass out.

She looks confused by my tone, her eyebrows coming together as she looks up at me and she looks as if she is about to say something, opening her mouth and then snapping it shut again.

"Wait, wait, wait." Leroy cuts in, unaware of my current panicked state. "So you… went out into the woods, to find the wolf?" He sounds a little excited and if I wasn't so focused on keeping myself together in front of Belle I might have reached across the counter to whack him in the arm.

This is not the type of behavior that should be encouraged, there is a long angry lecture at the very tip of my tongue and I am struggling to hold onto it. The only thing that's keeping me from going full on melt down right now is blue eyes on me, even though those eyes looks incredibly confused.

"Well what happened?" He asks finally, a question I realize I had no desire to ask. I know what happened, I was there. I guess I was letting myself believe it was a dream or that my wolf-self had hallucinated her scent. That the sight of her appearing in the pathway at the entrance of the woods and the overwhelming sense of happiness I felt last night was some kind of fantasy but I was wrong.

The truth is in these last few months I've sort of been checking out while I'm changed, letting the wildness within me take over and ebb away the ache that losing her has left behind. I know that it's dangerous but I was still in control, I would never hurt anyone. I know that I wouldn't but the thought is still terrifying.

"You can't just go running off into the woods in the middle of the night." I find myself saying, my tone sharp and angrier than I had intended. I almost want to take it back because to Belle who am I? What right do I have to scold her like this but the expression that crosses her face eggs me on, that look of pure defiance and challenge, it's almost like she knows.

For a moment that idea hits me, that she knows, that she completely understands the situation and my flair of anger falters.

"It was honestly amazing." Belle presses on, turning back to Leroy as if I hadn't said anything. "Her eyes they… I don't know just, the way she watched me." She says shaking her head a little in disbelief, her smile wide and genuine on her lips. How can I be angry? How can I be angry at that smile?

"Like she wanted to eat you?" Leroy asks with a grin so sly he is hiding absolutely nothing when he glances toward me out of the corner of his eye. I want to kick him out, I've never felt so strongly about removing a person from granny's diner before but he is absolutely not helping and I'm still not sure if I'm breathing properly.

Belle laughs, she actually laughs. Full on, completely real, deep from inside her chest laughs and maybe that's the thing that allows me to breathe deeply again.

"Oh, no." She shakes her head, folding her hands in her lap like she does when she's excited about a good book and is about to launch into giving almost every detail about it.

I don't want to smile because it just feels really messed up. I didn't even know a person could feel this many things all at once but Belle looks so happy and as the conversation continues as obvious as this fact is, I am realizing that I am the source of that happiness. She doesn't know it but I'm the one that is making her smile like that and I'm either too nostalgic to resist or a complete masochist because I am grinning like a fool, all the while my chest exploding with too many things to name.

"Oddly enough I've never felt safer in my life." Belle explains, wrapping her hands around the mug of coffee I've set in front of her. When did I do that? "It was admittedly a little mad to go out there but I honestly do feel as if she calls to me and I just couldn't resist." Her eyes find mine and my breath hitches, my lungs burning as I hold my breath under her curious gaze. "I was a bit frightened, me with just my flash light in the middle of the night but as soon as she saw me, as soon as she was there I wasn't at all worried." She's smiling but she looks really confused, like she knows all these things to be true facts but can't seem to piece together how she knows that for sure.

"I could have…" I stop, shaking my head and flattening my palms out against the counter to keep myself still. "You could have been eaten!" The thought makes me dizzy, it makes my stomach churn with an old memory. It wouldn't be the first time I hurt someone I cared for.

"Ruby." She scolds right back in a tone that turns me further into jelly. I shouldn't be enjoying the harsh way she say's my name, like its old and practiced on her tongue because it is but it hasn't been lately. "You are being ridiculous, I am fine."

"Yeah but you can't just go off running into the woods in the middle of the night by yourself to meet up with beasts!" My temper is growing, even as I wince at my own word for myself.

Belle looks extremely offended and it's not until she begins speaking that I realize it's not the tone of my voice that is upsetting her it's what I am saying and stupidly my heart swells with some sort of pride. "She is not a beast!" She yells back, though even as the words leave her lips she seems surprised with herself, like she hadn't known she'd say them.

"It's a wild animal!"

"She's just a wolf!"

"You go off in the middle of the night without telling anyone to have a date with a wolf!"

This is so familiar, the way we argue with each other. When I've pushed her past her usual calm and composed demeanor. It feels wrong and right at the same time and it's pretty possible that I'll need to be hospitalized soon for the array of emotions wrecking their way through my body in such a small amount of time.

"It was wonderful!" She shouts, her palm coming down hard beside her coffee in her frustration. "It was wonderful and it was the closest I've felt to anything since waking up in the middle of the road with a gunshot wound, that surprise- magically healed itself. She's not a beast!"

Everyone is stunned to silence, Leroy looking very uncomfortable like he's trying to subtly slip away and remove himself from being involved in this conversation, the rest of the diner quieting down, their attention drawn to Belle's very loud very odd outburst and me standing there unable to move.

My eyes are on hers and we are just staring at each other, she looks so determined, hardened and firm in her conviction. I just want to hold her, the feeling has not been stronger than right now with her in front of me saying all of these things, sounding as if she knows more than she is letting on. The memories of last night flooding involuntary through my mind as blue eyes hold me captive. Her fingers through my fur, her smell so strong and sweet in my nostrils, the warmth of her near me. It's all overwhelming and my knees are wobbling with the effort to hold myself up. Then there is a change.

Her eyes soften and her back straightens, like she's realized something and like my urge to pull her close to me, I've never felt so hopeful. Hopeful that she remembers something, that things are piecing together but her face morphs into some confounded look and suddenly she is standing.

"I have to go." She states quickly, beginning to move toward the door. I should stop her, to apologize, to talk it over but I'm still rooted to the spot, helpless to do anything but watch her leave. She doesn't even look back, just bolts out the door and past the windows so fast its hardly like she was here at all. My emotions are so confused I don't realize I'm crying until I feel Leroy's fingers circle with surprising gentleness around my wrist but once I know it, I can't stop.


	3. Chapter 3

_**A/N:**__ Thank you for the feedback and interest guys, I appreciate it._

* * *

I'm an idiot. The more I sit with it, the more I think about it, the clearer it is. I'm a huge idiot who is scared of how things are going and how things might turn out. So much so that instead of cultivating whatever relationship I am trying to rebuild with Belle I am pushing her away.

The reaction I had to her news was a little over the top and maybe a bit confusing. It felt right at the time, what she was doing was dangerous, wasn't it? Well no, I'm not dangerous but still the woods, by herself, at night? Anything could have happened. She could have hurt herself, the ground out there is not even and yes I don't think there are any other animals lurking but I could be wrong, I'm not perfect.

That's just the thing, I'm not perfect. I don't always make the right choices, I'm impulsive and head strong and right now I feel like a little left behind puppy with her tail between her legs.

It was stupid but I waited for her last night. It doesn't make any sense why I thought she would come seeing as I basically yelled at her in the diner for being so silly about this. But still I waited.

I sat hidden in the shadows at the entrance to the path for hours, howling every so often to let her know I was waiting. To let her know I was still there. Pouring all of my emotions into each long drown out sound forced from my lungs into the night air. Everything feels different as a wolf, heightened. It's odd to think that I have more clarity when I am changed than in human form. I guess because of the silence or the simple way I process things, striping everything down to its bare facts, free of my doubts.

That's all this has been, I see it now. My doubts creeping in with my worry, mixing me up to think I am doing what is best for Belle but it isn't. I'm hiding, just like I had when I first met her.

I'd been so afraid to let her in, so afraid to be close with someone. The last time I'd let myself was too many years ago to count. The curse has my time all off and by now it feels as though I've lived more than one lifetime. In a way I guess I have.

There is old me, Red, who started out young and foolish, growing into myself as a side effect of things that were tragic. For the most part I try not to think about those times, back when I didn't understand or control who I was but even that version of me grew. I became somebody, aged and matured through life lessons too terrible to put names on and then all off that was washed away and I became Ruby.

Ruby is hard to put my finger on, my Storybrooke days have been a little wild, some sort of regressed naïve version of myself without a care in the world. I suppose it had been nice, living free from my own personal curse, without my burden and memories.

But all of that came rushing back. Remembering who I am had sort of been like the first time I'd figured out that I was the wolf, that I was the monster that was killing people in our village, who _ate_ my boyfriend.

So yes, I pulled into myself. I had good reason and when Belle walked into my life for the first time, I hid myself. I hid my growing feelings, I was shielding her from me and that had been wrong. She showed me how to be myself, all parts of me, that I was worth loving. And I got a taste of what it was like to be loved by her, to love her, and now it's gone.

Some days that hits me so hard that I wonder how I'm surviving it. I'll see or hear something simple that reminds me of her, making a mental note to tell her later then remember that it isn't like that anymore. That there is no us. That I have to ignore the initial feeling I get when she walks into the diner, the urge to pull her close to me and press my lips to hers in greeting. Something so routine and natural completely gone now.

And I'm so afraid that I'll never get that back.

How can I expect her to remember that she is the one that taught me to love myself, to accept who I am again when she can't even remember anything about herself? How can I expect her to accept a relationship that she knows nothing about? How can I expect her to love this?

It always comes down to that doesn't it and even as I think about it now I know it's wrong to think it. It's like letting all the things she instilled in me, all the things she made stronger just by loving me, disappear with all her memories. I should be ashamed of myself, I am. Because all I am doing is hiding again and I'm supposed to be the one that is stronger right now. Belle wouldn't want me to give up, to push her away and go on pretending like we never had anything. It's my turn to take the lead.

I've been doing this all wrong.

So that's why even though my pride is wounded and even though I am completely unsure about everything, I'm standing outside of the library, battling with my courage to step inside. For someone who's fought against royal soldiers and phases with the moon I'm a coward when it comes to Belle, I always have been.

"I'll be right there." The familiar voice calls out pleasantly from somewhere far back behind shelves when the sound of the door opening alerts her to my presence.

I'm a nervous wreck and she hasn't even come out here yet, palms sweaty, throat going dry. I probably should have planned better what it is I'm going to say. Maybe I should have written it down.

I'm already turning to leave in my panic when I hear her say my name. It's silly but just the sound of it is soothing in a way. It's not exactly how she used to say it, all purring and affectionate but there is a distinct way it falls off her lips anyway, the short syllables warmed in her accent.

"Hi." I offer stupidly, turning back around to face her.

She looks confused, maybe not to see me but my behavior. I'm already kind of screwing this up.

"Hi." She says in return and it's awkward, I'm making it awkward.

Shaking my head and stepping toward her, needing to close some of the gap between us I try to start again.

"Sorry… I just." I pause, collecting my thoughts, watching her expression, letting her curious gaze sink into mine before clearing my throat to continue. "I came to apologize." I say finally, waiting for approval before I continue, as if asking permission to do so.

"Okay…" The single word dragging out into a question and she sets the few books she is holding down on the front desk, crossing her arms across her chest.

It's another one of those moments that I want to laugh at because Belle only crosses her arms and gives me that look when she's trying to be angry with me even though she isn't. All the times I've needed to apologize for the stupid things I do and she pretends to be upset only to allow me to do so because even though she is incredibly forgiving and patient she deserves a lot from me and she demands it. Even now, apparently.

I nod, holding back my smile and draw in a deep breath.

"I'm sorry I got so upset yesterday it wasn't… It wasn't my place." It's weird to say that, defining whatever place I don't fit into anymore. "I shouldn't have raised my voice."

Belle watches me for a moment, blue eyes scanning my face looking I guess, for sincerity and I know she'll find it there because I feel it. I need to be more honest with her and I am trying to be.

"No, you shouldn't have." She states firmly and I feel my body tense. I wasn't expecting this to be easy but I was hoping she would have reacted better. But then she sighs and drops her arms down to her sides and I allow myself to relax a little. "Although I will admit that you weren't exactly wrong." She say's almost sadly and I'm already shaking my head.

"But no, I was wrong." I think. That's definitely what I decided… that I was wrong. "I can't try and control you or get angry with you like that, you're not a child."

"Well I appreciate that." She laughs out lightly, her eyes going soft though still set on me. "But you were right about the woods and the wolf. I…"

"No." I say taking another step closer, again closing the few feet of space between us. "I was wrong about the wolf." Her eyebrows rise in surprise and I realize how I'm starting to not make any sense. "I mean yes, it's dangerous to go off by yourself at night but the wolf… I…" My words trail off, unsure of where to go with this. I definitely should have written it down.

"Can we maybe sit down?" I ask suddenly, gesturing to one of the rectangular tables lined up at the center of the library and she nods at me, looking thoroughly confused and maybe a little worried but agreeing.

I move first, skirting my way around the smaller bookcases and sitting down at the closest table, waiting for her to join me.

I must be taking too long to continue because once we are sitting, with my eyes trained on her, my words caught in the back for my throat, she leans forward a little and places a reassuring hand on my knee.

"Whatever it is Ruby, I'm not going to freak out." It's like her to know that this is important, for her to read the worry off of me so easily. Maybe she's not exactly the Belle she used to be without her memories but in a lot of ways she's still the same.

"That's what they all say." I try to joke because that makes it easier and she knows that too because her lips quirk up a bit in a polite smile.

But this is good, I can do this. My heart is hammering in my chest and I am wiping my sweaty palms against the fabric of my pants on my thighs but I'm still drawing in air and I don't feel as dizzy as I thought I would so all in all its going pretty well so far.

"I'm the wolf." The words come quickly and I roll my eyes at myself because what little plan I did have walking in here at least included easing into it. "I mean… well yeah, that's what I mean."

I'm maybe freaking out a little because Belle hasn't moved or so much as widened her eyes and now I'm starting to think she didn't hear me. I had said that out loud, right? I'm pretty sure I did.

"Belle?" I question slowly, cautiously. Like if I push too hard some sort of damn will let loose on me.

She narrows her eyes, looking suspicious. "I'm sorry. Did you say that you are the wolf?"

I nod because I don't want to risk speaking again, if I do I'll launch into a rambled explanation before she even has a chance to take what I've said in. I can feel it right there on the tip of my tongue, pressing against the back of my teeth.

"As in the same wolf that I hear howling, that I met the other night?"

I nod again, curling my fingers until my nails are digging into my palms in my lap. "Yes."

Belle stares at me, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth, eyes holding mine as she thinks.

I love that look, displaying such determination to understand something. To take the knowledge she is given and digest it completely until she knows the matter inside and out.

"Well, are you going to explain?" She asks calmly. More calmly than she should be for what the subject is but it is Belle after all.

"Oh, right. Yes." And I do tell her, I let the words tumble past my lips, exhaling heavily with them as they go. I tell her about the phases of the moon and about who I used to be and how Snow and I discovered what was really beneath the cloak all those years ago. I tell her about Peter, cringing uncomfortably as I do, quickly adding that I am much more in control now but that it still sometimes worries me, the things I am capable of.

Belle knows about the magic here and about home. It didn't take her long to question things in the hospital after witnessing Rumpelstiltskin use magic right in front of her that day on the road, after experiencing it herself being healed by him. She wasn't one to keep quiet when she had questions and we all knew well enough to try to hide that much from her. So this, while shocking, maybe wasn't too far off to believe.

At least that's what I am telling myself. Working through her silence as patiently as possible but I feel like I might explode. I'm practically trembling in my chair with the effort to contain myself. It's taking everything in me to not be pacing the floor, or worse running from the library entirely.

What kind of idea was this? Why am I doing this right now?

"Hey." She say's calmly, placing her hand back on my now bouncing knee to still it. I must look extremely panicked, I'm probably a complete mess, it definitely feels like I'm a complete mess.

"I figured it must be something like that." She admits almost lightly, shrugging one shoulder. "A lone wolf in Maine? And its eyes…" Belle pauses, examining me. "Your eyes, they were so human, so different."

I inhale long and slow, pulling as much air as possible into my lungs because for the first time in a while it feels like I can breathe again. Belle knows and she's not afraid. It's a really dumb thing to think, I should know better but I can't help it sometimes.

"You're ridiculous." I say without thinking, smiling.

And she chuckles, shaking her head in innocence.

"I just laid this huge thing on you and you're just going to believe it? Just like that?"

"Well… would you rather I reject it?"

"No of course not, I…"

Belle smiles, lifting her chin a little in confidence. "Maybe we can have another loud and public argument about it before I decide to believe you."

I'm still smiling but I shrink a little, deflating back into the chair. "I am sorry about that."

"I know." She says simply, with a nod and then tilts her head to one side. "I have a lot of questions."

"I expect so." I say nodding, sitting up straighter again. "You can ask me anything, I'm just glad you're not afraid."

"Of course I'm not." She says quickly, looking almost offended. "Why would I be afraid, you're still Ruby." She says it with such certainty, a hint of something old a familiar attached to how my name drifts out and it catches both of our attention. She knows it too, I can tell in the way she is looking at me, drawing her lip between her teeth again.

I can't be too hopeful, I'm not supposed to be but I can't help but think in this moment that things will turn out alright. Belle at least knows this now and she isn't running for the hills. She had been drawn to my wolf, like she knew something that her mind just wouldn't let her remember and even now, with the way she is looking at me. I feel like she knows something. Maybe I'm just being hopeful, or giddy from having this giant weight off my chest. This is good, this is the right direction for us. Belle knows what I am and now… now maybe I can start to show her who I am, who we are.

This time, I have to be the brave one.


	4. Chapter 4

I may be freaking out a little. Okay a lot. I'm freaking out a lot.

It's the cryptic things that get me, the little pieces of things that I don't fully understand that I am supposed to be responding to. I don't think I've moved so quickly since… well probably since news of what happened to Belle finally reached me those months ago. I was, naturally, the last person to know. Snow had burst into the diner, leveling me with a look that made everything in my body tighten and recoil as if trying to protect myself from the blow she was about to deliver. Nothing could have prepared me for that though. Of course I had thought the worst, the very worst, losing Belle forever.

How she is now without her memories is hard but she is still here, she still has her life if not fully herself to live it, she's alive. I have to remind myself of that sometimes, when I find myself tired and lonely and angry at everything. I remind myself that Belle is still breathing and that is soothing enough to push forward because there is still a chance for us.

We've been spending more time together, not just at the diner when she comes in but outside of that, outside of her new regular. I realized if I let her fall into this pace that she was walking every day without me, there would be no hope for her to remember what we had. What we could potentially have again. I could kick myself for the time I've wasted, I'm so foolish.

But now I see it better.

Instead of waiting for Belle to come to me I've been going to her. I bring lunch to the library on days I know she is too busy to stop in. I've helped her move furniture around in her apartment, per her request for some weird reason. She says it feels odd to her, to live there and know everything belongs to her but not remember what they mean to her. That had pierced right through me, just those words alone. I am no possession but it could have been easily applied to me and it had startled me. I think she noticed but Belle has always been so good at being discrete about things she is observing. I'm just glad she is confiding in me. That she's begun to trust me enough to do that, to come to me when she feels off or needs help.

Like now.

The text was short and simple but gave no information what so ever. I had just finished clearing table six when the special few chimes assigned only to Belle rang from my pocket. The text read_, 'Need help if you can. Come quickly.'_

It was more than enough to wake a sense of panic inside of me, starting in the pit of my stomach and radiating out to all my frozen limbs, warming them enough to get me moving. I didn't stop to finish what I was doing or tell Granny where I was going because like before I'm automatically thinking the worst. Except I'm not sure what the worst really is in this situation, I've got at least fifty different scenarios that I'm sifting through as I make my way to the library and I don't like any of them.

For a moment my mind settles on the possibility of some sudden change in Belle's memory. Maybe something has come back to her and she's excited to share about it. But I push those hopeful thoughts away quickly, not letting myself be blinded or distracted by wishful thinking. Besides the text clearly reads the need for help and that thought alone has me pushing through the library doors without an ounce of hesitation.

I call out to her, glancing down the empty rows of large book cases as I head to the back. I'm going straight for the stairs that lead to her apartment because somehow I know that's where she is. It's not my wolf telling me just some sort of intuition and I'm reaching into my pocket for my keys, getting her door open before I've even thought about it.

"Belle?!"

She startles, standing in the kitchen and spins around to face me with a look of complete surprise. Her eyes flicker down to the keys in my hand then up to my face and for a second I feel caught in something but my body is still propelling me toward her, fueled by my concern.

"What's wrong? Are you alright? Are you hurt?" I guess I'm slipping into some sort of protective mode because I feel as if I'm on high alert, a ghost of the sensation of hackles standing up along my spine. My eyes are scanning the room for any kind of danger before shifting back to Belle and thoroughly looking over the length of her body for a sigh of injury.

But then she laughs, a short giggle that snaps my eyes up to hers in confusion, because… what?

My lack of understanding, aside from my frantic actions, must be evident on my face because Belle is fighting back a grin. She presses her lips together tightly, seemingly trying to right her expression into something more casual and failing.

"I… I thought you were in trouble or something?" I say slowly in my confusion, my eyes still darting around the room warily. She seems fine, not hurt, no one else here… Maybe I imagined the urgency of the text. I'm already reaching into my pocket to recheck my phone when Belle finally speaks.

"I'm not in trouble- trouble." She says, not at all clearing anything up. Her lips twist a little and she's practically pouting at me which I would find incredibly adorable if I wasn't still feeling the rush of adrenaline pumping through me. She looks guilty.

"I do need your help, I just… I may have over reacted I tiny bit." Belle bites her lip, squinting one eye closed as she speaks and suddenly the air feels lighter because whatever it is I at least now know that it isn't as serious as I've worked it up to be and that is a relief.

Exhaling long and full, I let my shoulders drop and relax. Okay, everything is fine. It's still unclear exactly what the problem is but I know I won't be kicking anyone's ass or making any visits to the ER so, calm. I'm calm.

"Are you sick or something?" It's reaching and mostly coming from the emergency room idea because I'm ridiculous like that and I can't even help myself. I'm about to lift my hand to press it against Belle's forehead but she shakes her head, a light blush beginning to spread across her cheeks.

It's silly but I'm growing a little impatient and I can't stop myself from huffing. "Well, what's wrong?"

Belle's cheeks darken further and I feel that familiar mix of adoration and nerves kick up like butterflies in my stomach. I feel like I'm about to get myself into something, all that is missing is that evil smirk that pops up just as Belle is about to propose something completely filthy. The smirk and the blush, it reminds me so much of before that I feel myself heating up but I quickly set myself straight, snapping out of those thoughts. It is only a fantasy, and honestly I could slap myself for even going there.

"Well…" She starts cautiously and I'm biting the inside of my cheek to keep from rushing her, wanting to tell her to just spit it out already because I feel sort of ashamed for it but I'm getting a little annoyed. "You see, I didn't realize that you would come so quickly and I see now that I should have probably worded that text a bit differently…"

"What is it Belle?" My words are slow and questioning, despite the urge to snap at her. Whatever it is it's not as serious as I had been anticipating but still there was something she needed my help with and now that I'm here there is no use in being short before I even know what that is. Besides, this is what I want, to be here for her. No matter what the problem is.

"There's a giant spider in the bathtub." She says it so quickly, hands dropping to her sides in defeat, cheeks glowing a hot shade of red and it isn't until my mind catches up enough to actually hear what she's said that I burst out laughing.

A spider.

I'm overwhelmed with the delightful sensation, the nervousness in my stomach morphing into something light, bubbling up into my chest.

"Ruby don't laugh at me!" Belle scolds quickly, looking offended. "I think I'm afraid of them and this one is rather large. I almost fell out of the bathroom when I saw it."

I know it shouldn't but that only makes me laugh harder, my hand pressing against the ache it's creating in my side. It feels so nice, to laugh like this. Even with Belle glaring at me for it, it feels incredible.

"A spider?" I finally get out, sucking in a few quick breaths to try and calm myself. "You defeated the Yaoguai and you're scared of a little spider?"

"Defeated the what-… it is not little! That thing is massive. Just… please will you get it out of there?" Belle is really cute when she's on the defensive and I know I don't stand a chance against that pout.

"Alright, I'm sorry… in the bathtub?" She nods, casting a cautious glance down the hall.

It isn't until I'm already stepping into the bathroom that I hear her call out not to hurt it. It makes me chuckle but God, I love this woman. Every time I think that, which despite myself is too often than I can count, it feels as if there are extra muscles wrapping and squeezing around me heart.

The spider is not nearly as big as Belle had described and it sort of baffles me that she is afraid of it, that's not something I recall. Belle isn't much afraid of anything.

By the time I return through the front door, spider safely outside and saved from being held captive in the bathtub, Belle is pouring two cups of tea.

"Oh, I sort of ran out of the diner. Granny is probably wondering where I went." I feel nervous for some reason. Maybe it's the way she continues with what she is doing, stirring a spoon through one cup then the other without looking up at me.

"I actually wanted to talk to you for a moment if you don't mind?" Her voice is very level and when she finally sets the spoon down and lifts her gaze to me her expression is unreadable. I'm definitely nervous.

"Uh… okay. Yeah, sure." I'm being cautious because this is freaking me out. I have no idea what we are about to talk about but I feel as though I'm about to be put on the spot for something.

Taking my place at the table in front of the steaming cup she set down for me, I wait for her to speak first. But she seems to be taking her time, that small crease of concentration in her forehead showing and right as she pulls her bottom lip between her teeth I know I'm in trouble.

"You have a key to my apartment?"

I knew it. I knew she'd realized that right as I walked it. Stupid, I should have knocked but I was worried, I thought there was something wrong. Who has time to knock?

"I do." I say with a nod. There is no point in lying, she's seen it. I just have to figure out how to explain it. "You gave it to me." I add quickly, before she can ask why. If I let her ask too many questions that would probably seem suspicious. I don't want her to think I'm holding things back from her. Well I am but I don't want her to know that.

"I… gave it to you?" Belle questions, raising an eyebrow in confusion.

I nod in response, wrapping my hands around the mug in front of me just to give them something to do because I'm finding it extremely difficult to sit still right now. Belle already knows that I fidget when I'm nervous; she witnessed that the day in the library when I told her about my wolf. I can't let her know that this is making me feel nervous too.

I really wish this wasn't so complicated.

"Ruby, exactly what sort of friends are we?"

It takes a lot of effort not to gasp in surprise, maybe not at the question but the directness. Is she hinting to what I think she is? It takes a second but then I realize that in my effort to not look surprised I'm holding my breath and before I can stop myself I exhale audibly and I'm not really doing a good job of not drawing to the fact that I'm freaking out.

"I…" I start dumbly, my heart hammering in my chest so fiercely I can feel it against every pulse point. "We… what?" Okay, I guess I'm deciding to play dumb.

"You and I, I mean, we seem very close… closer than most friends I would think." Belle looks suspicious, watching carefully as I take in her words. I probably look like an animal caught in headlights, part of me concentrating on relaxing the muscles in my face and the rest trying to come up with some sort of rational explanation. One would think I would have planned for this, that I'd know what to say but I have no idea. This is what I wanted isn't it, for her to remember things about us?

"You have a key to my apartment, you know almost everything about me… my favorite foods, where my favorite sweater was hanging, what I like to read. You know more about me than anyone."

"I didn't know you were afraid of spiders…" I offer helplessly but Belle scoffs a little, taking in a short breath, a clear sign that she is getting frustrated.

"What I mean is that for whatever reason I feel closest to you and lately everything has been beginning to add up." Oh God, I'm going to throw up. I'm pretty sure I am. Where is this going? "Maybe I'm crazy but this feels a bit more than a friendship."

I don't know what to do. Here I am sitting in front of an untouched cup of tea, gripping the edge of the table so tightly like I'll be sucked away if I let go and completely frozen. I'm not breathing, I'm not thinking, I'm not speaking. All I can do is hold Belle's eyes, searching for a sign that she is saying what I think she's saying. What if I am interpreting this wrong? What if she doesn't mean what I'm hoping she means?

"Ruby?" She prompts after a moment, her expression looking more of concern than anything else.

"Yeah?" I manage, though it comes out a little broken and I clear my throat to try again. "Yeah, I umm… I'm sorry Belle, what exactly are you asking me?" I have to be sure; I can't allow myself to open up to this unless I am one hundred percent sure.

"Are you dating anyone?"

The question throws me, there she goes again being direct but not asking the things I am expecting.

"I… well… umm." I'm stuttering and now my knee is bouncing on its own beneath the table, I can't help it, I'm a wreck. This was supposed to be about a spider. "It's, I guess you could call it complicated?" But I shake my head, this is so confusing. "No… no, I'm not."

"So you don't have a boyfriend?"

I chuckle at that because it's just a tad absurd, a boyfriend. Oh so many lives ago.

Belle is looking increasingly confused but also somehow increasingly confident. There is determination etched into her features and it's making me more than a little uncomfortable. How is this happening? I am the one with all my memories. I am the one that has the full story, why am I falling apart?

"No, definitely no boyfriend." At least that is the complete truth. I know I am walking a thin line here but I would never outright lie to Belle, especially not about anything like this.

We are kind of at a standstill; she's just watching me, her eyes holding so much curiosity it feels like some sort of stare down. I'm fidgeting because it's impossible to sit still under that gaze. My mouth has gone completely dry in the past few minutes and I'm incredibly grateful when I realize there is a cup of tea still sitting in front of me. Of course it's just as I'm pulling the now lukewarm liquid into my mouth that Belle drops her next question.

"Go out on a date with me."

And so now I'm choking.

I set the cup down carefully, sputtering a cough in response to forcing myself to swallow as opposed to spraying the tea all over Belle's kitchen table. What did she just ask me? Am I hallucinating?

"I'm sorry… what was that?" I don't know how I can speak right now because it's pretty clear that my brain must be malfunctioning because I think Belle just asked me out on a date and that can't possibly be the case. There is no way that's what she said.

"A date, you know… dinner or something." Her words are so confident and clear there is no way I can imagine them to not be true. Although why would I, they are beautiful words, absolutely magnificent.

"I… but why?"

She's laughing at me, at the words I'm saying or the ridiculous face I'm probably making but she's got that familiar affectionate smile on her lips, a smile that somehow still seems to be reserved only for me.

"Because, like I said, I feel closest to you and I don't think that I'm wrong."

I'm stunned. There are about a million ways I'd imagined the moment where things started to get back to normal. The best ones involve Belle's memory rushing back to her or at least some of them. What I had not imagined was this. Belle asking me out on a date, not because of a memory she'd regained but because she felt close to me. I don't know which would be better but I am not about to complain, this potentially means great things for us.

"So will you?" She asks again, this time sounding a little unsure. It must have taken a lot of courage to ask me this, to go out on a limb like this based on a feeling. Belle's courage honestly has been one of the things I love most about her.

"Yes, I'd be honored."


End file.
